Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
