Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
