im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize