i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
