Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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