i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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