That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
