my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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