Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
