I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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