I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
