she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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