That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
