I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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