i already hear my dad disowning me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
