just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
