Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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