Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
