I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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