No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My life is pants optional.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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