I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
