My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
