we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
