Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
