It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize