I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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