Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
