i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
