I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize