People in love make me want to vomit
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize