I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize