Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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