the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I will be naked everywhere
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
