My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
