Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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