Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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