Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
