My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
