im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
