before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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