Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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