Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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