Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
