Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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