how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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