So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
