She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
