I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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