i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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