Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
