If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
