The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
