Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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