the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
