Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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