I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
