Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
