So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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