need another drink. this is the easiest way
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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