he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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